I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
