Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
