Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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