I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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