Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
