Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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