Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
