Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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