There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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