good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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