just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
be right there i have to get my cape
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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