Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
