i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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