Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
third nipple confirmed
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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