Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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