so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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