Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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