I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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