Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
