Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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