I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
