I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
