I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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