connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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