I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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