My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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