I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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