Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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