Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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