if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
