tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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