So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
