JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
