i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
