I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
