He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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