Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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