Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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