At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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