i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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