Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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