I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
