dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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