so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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