we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
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