I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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