quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
