I just pynch a tree in the face
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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