I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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