i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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