I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
