i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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