Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
