Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
