his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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