I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize