Christians are straight up FREAKS
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
