New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
