So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
