Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
